This is absolutely the wrong place to order coffee
Everything that is wrong with society can be explained by coffee.
I was thinking about repeating that line, but I guess most of you would have read the title so it should no longer be necessary. If you have not read the title, you may find familiarity between the way you live your life and the problems associated with the existence of instant coffee (if there are more ingredients in your coffee than 'coffee', you desperately need to re-evaluate your priorities) which I'll write about another time.
As I'm in love with the sound of my own voice (and I talk a lot of garbage) I've frequently explained to people who have stood still in my proximity for slightly too long my problem with attractive baristas. Basically it goes like this: if I enter a cafe, and an attractive, somewhat bubbly late-teen barista smiles at me, I'm immediately disappointed and lower my expectations. I might even be so moved as to order a can of Coke, or a cup of tea instead, as no-one can stuff that up.
Burn the leaves? Yeah, I don't believe you.
On the other hand, if I wander in and am greeted (or better yet, ignored) by a grumpy, balding Italian, someone who looks malnourished, anyone with dreadlocks, or better yet, facial tattoos, then I might order two. It's not a difficult concept to grasp. The Italian was trained to work an espresso machine before he was on solid food, anyone with dreadlocks was obviously hired for their skills and not their merits of socially acceptable presentation or pleasant smelling hair, and obviously a man who has facial tattoos (somehow girls get away with the 'behind the ear thing' quite easily) and can still get a job in customer service must have a pretty convincing skill resume. So that's a win, and I prepare for delicious caffeinated deliciousness.
So if you missed that, here it is: If you're both attractive and a barista, I automatically assume you don't know what you're doing. I'll still probably order from you, because I'm not all that discriminatory, but I am definitely judging you.
But let's skip back. I've wandered into a cafe, made my order, received a milky/lukewarm/burnt to hell/lemon bitter mess that doesn't deserve to be served in the same cup as coffee, and as I sip politely, my eyes boring holes into the hipster-approved unpainted brick walls, the evaluation process begins. Have I brought this on myself? Should I have known better? Have I mistakenly ordered coffee from a burger joint, or somewhere that has deals on jugs of Carlton on Thursday nights? Does it specialise in seafood? Is it in fact a particularly trendy fish and chipper? Has McDonalds really upped the decor game at McCafe? Did O-week students cover up the Gloria Jeans sign as a prank? Or have I forgotten that I still live in Asia?
Once I've passed the checklist of self-accusation, I start to get a little annoyed. Perhaps offended. There's two reasons for this.
Firstly, someone has bought, paid for, built up, worked at, and in general sacrificed irreplaceable time in making a business which makes a rubbish product. You have the room, the chairs, the food, the fridges, probably even a chef, surely it's not that much of a larger step to purchase some decent bean and make sure your staff don't have thumbs where they should have fingers.
Secondly... ever heard the saying 'that man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot'?
I'm not in fact suggesting this man/lady/ladyguy is an idiot. But I am suggesting they are not a barista. So either they've fallen into the trap of apathy, or they are depriving society of a plumber, accountant, or sandwich artist. If a plumber installed gutters that leak, or the Subway guy put the ham outside the bread, you'd rubbish him. And so you should. You entered a contract with that man when you agreed to pay him for his work, and if I said no pickles, then I expect no pickles, and they're gherkins anyway so change your sign 'cos this isn't America.
Basically, a barista who is bad at making coffee is holding our global society back. There, I said it.
I should clarify. I can't use an espresso machine. I could probably fix one, or at least turn it on. I'm pretty good like that. But I don't know how to use one. It's not my job. There are people who have devoted their lives to coffee, and I'm happy to fund their lifestyle buy purchasing my lattes from them. Sometimes I fix their cars.
Anyway. I promised explain everything in relation to coffee, and I'm probably incapable of that, so I'm just going to throw in an analogy that links life and coffee instead. Pay attention, you might learn something.
Imagine your new job, girlfriend, car, sporting club, or circle of friends in the form of an espresso shot. The first half of the shot is called a ristretto. It's sweeter than an espresso, and contains less caffeine.
This is the first week of the relationship. The honeymoon period at a new workplace. The test drive, twice round the block.
But if you run the water through the bean a little longer, say, 8-10 seconds instead of 4-5 (and I'm sure someone can correct me on that exact number) your ristretto becomes an espresso. The taste changes, and the bulk of the caffeine is delivered. The levels of acidity (that is, the bitterness) become more apparent and you get a truer sense of what the bean is capable of delivering.
This is the hard-earned win, besting the opposition when the cards were stacked against you. The completion of a road trip, your overloaded wagon having never missed a beat. The apologetic embrace that follows the relationship's first tiff.
If we just drank ristrettos, our coffee would be sweeter. But acidity isn't necessarily bitter, and sweetness isn't always energy.
If we judge life on our first glance, our first feeling, we risk losing out on the full, rich experience. The sweetness can be appreciated, but understand what it is: a first glance, and nothing more. Don't devote your life to chasing the sweet, or the new. And don't be so quick to compare The New to The Familiar. It's this new, sweet feeling that has ended marriages, turned friends away, made relationships sour, and caused unnecessary debt on new vehicle purchases.
So drink the full shot of life, and find all it has to offer you.
Next time I'm gonna talk about milk. Or Nespresso. Seriously, there is no need for all those stupid little cups...
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