Observations.
There
are three different types of liars in Malaysia, each governed by
his/her own set of convictions.
First
type is the financial liar. This is majorly represented by the
Chinese ethnicity. Store workers. Market stall owners. Salesmen.
The
justification for lying is quite simple, and fairly sensible once you
understand the Chinese work culture.
It
differs somewhat from the Australian work culture.
Back
home, we work to pay off the mortgage, avoid the wife, get the car,
or keep up with the Joneses.
Chinese work culture is motivated by one thing
alone: World domination.
When
a Chinese (in this case, designated Chinese-Malay, or Chi-lay* for
short) family moves into an area, they immediately set up their
business, on the basis of which they will form their dynasty. Often
setting up house in the upper room of said business, they will
forsake rest, fun, and public holidays in the quest for financial
gain. The world, at present, revolves around the almighty dollar, and
he who controls the most steers his section of world, should he wish,
from behind a curtain. You know, Wizard of Oz style.
Let
us observe the finest of financial liar in his home turf: The
Maketplace.
Being
tall and white puts me at an undeniable advantage over much of the
people of this world, particularly where finances are concerned. Also, reaching things on the top shelf of kitchen cupboards. Unfortunately, it makes me a clear target in a crowded marketplace.
“Hey
sir, I have watches for you! Best quality! (lie) Genuine Tag Hueller!
(lie)”
“Can
I see?”
“This
one, sir, look good on you!(lie)”
(Tall
white man tries on watch)
“Genuine,
yeah? How much is it?”
“This
one new model!(lie) Top quality!(lie) For you just ninety ringgit!”
“Ninety?
That's to cheap to be real... C'mon, genuine?”
(seller
moves on his feet a little) “...uh, genuine copy...”
“Ninety?
Too much for a knock off. I'll give you forty.”
“Forty?!?
Oh, you hard man! I pay fifty to buy(lie), you say forty? No! I sell
for seventy. Good price!(lie) Best copy!(lie) New model!(lie) Top
quality!(lie) You pay seventy, I make your size for free, and 12
month warranty!(lie)”
The
lies are easy enough to work out, when you know what to look for. If
the words being spoken increase the chance of you handing the person
in question money, they are lies.
Righto
then.
The
second type is trickier to define, but easy enough to spot. It's
called the Honour Liar.
It
would seem the common Malaysian is a helpful fellow. Which is nice.
In Australia, a foreigner asking people for advice in the street is a
little more likely to be met with some unsavoury returns. I wonder
how many people of asian descent, on the streets of Melbourne, were
directed not on the most efficient way to return to their house, but
rather told they should return to their place of origin?
Malaysians,
on the other hand, are usually quite nice in the reply, and seemingly
knowledgeable about various landmarks, hotels, and stores. They will
take time to explain in detail, using mostly their hands, the left,
right, down the street, past the hospital, and two blocks down. There
is a confidence displayed, in spite of two clear facts:
A:he
doesn't know what you're talking about, which is probably because
B:he
doesn't speak more than three words of english.
It's
a point of interest that admitting you don't know something is seen
as less honourable than giving the wrong answer.
This
is best witnessed in the taxi driver.
“We're
going to Subang Jaya. Number 5 Jalan 1. Do you know where that is?”
(Long
pause, eyes look off into space)
“......ahhh,
yeahhhhhhh........”
This
is a good time to look for another cabbie.
General
vagueness is a dead give away here, and if you think he seems unsure,
then you can be absolutely certain that he is.
Conformation
will come halfway through the trip, when he begins to call friends on
his mobile, repeating the address back to them time and time again.
The
third type is probably a form of honour lying, but for fun I'll name
it differently.
It's
the 'not us, man, Indonesia did it' liar.
Think
of a problem. Any problem.
“There's
a lot of rubbish on the beach.”
“Yeah,
it's all from Indonesia. Whenever there's a typhoon it gets blown
over. ”
“I
heard the crime rate was rising..”
“Yeah,
it's all the Indonesian workers coming over. When they don't get
jobs, they turn to crime.”
“Pretty
smoggy today, isn't it?”
“Yeah,
it blows over from Indonesia, they burn fires all the time.”
“This
coffee tastes awful!”
“Yeah,
all the good beans go to Indonesia to be eaten by animals so they can
be crapped out and sold to rich westerners.**”
The
'not us, man, Indonesia did it' or NUMIDI-liar for short, is a tad
different. For starters, there may be an element of truth to what he
is saying. The rubbish on the beach in Lankawi may have indeed come,
in part, from Indonesia. But to say that Malaysia is completely free
from blame in the issue is stretching the truth. It's compounded by
the fact that Lankawi is in the middle of south east asia, surrounded
by other countries that don't have the best record on cleaning things
up either. And given the rampant destroying of rainforest to build
palm oil plantations, Malaysia isn't exactly the good green citizen
of earth that it may have you believe. Indonesia just seems to be the
whipping boy for every Malay problem you can think of.
So
should the answer to your question about smog, crime, global warming
or traffic jams contain the word 'Indonesia', it's best taken with a
grain of salt.
And
that, friends, is round one.
Next
time I should write something funny...
Josh
Asian Grease 1st Edition
*Chi-lay
is not a term used by anyone at all.
**I
made that bit up. No-one actually said that either. But google Kopi Luwak for a bit of fun.
