How to be a man.

I know things. Man things.
I'm not the type to just randomly throw unsubstantiated claims out there, but I know some things about being a man.
I have several undeniable qualifying factors.
1: I have used a chainsaw on several occasions.
2: I possess (and use) at least three non-kitchen knives.
3: I have killed and prepared the food that my family (okay, wife and dog) has been nourished with.
4: I have fixed various components by striking them. With fist and hammer, I'm not fussy.
5: I've never drank wine at a bar. Not once.

It's certainly not the complete list of my qualifications, but I feel I've given enough for all of you to come to the same conclusion: I am a man. With this in mind, I would like for a moment to shed some advice on those of the male gender who wish to one day achieve the status of manhood:

For her sake, and for your own, learn to cook.


You don't need to be Jamie Oliver. Although his man-status (BOSS 11) is well beyond mine, and is a fantastic role model in the pursuit of manhood.
But cooking skills are essential.
Let's run through the reasons.
A: Girls love it.
Seriously. A man who can cook is worth his weight in gold. Or perhaps apple cider. He's valued. Why?
You've got the feminist movement and a generation of chauvinists to thank for this. A man who can cook is perceived, I'll have you know, as sensitive, mature, and above all, not a sooky mumma's boy, or a sexist pig who think women belong in the kitchen. You may be either one of those last two. But for now, we can keep that under wraps.
Scenario one: Teenage boy, hanging out at a movie marathon... What's that, you say? No coin for pizza? Raid the host family's cupboard and BAM. Mac and cheese. Chicks love mac and cheese.
You're a handy guy. Thoughtful. And clever. This is the reputation you want to have before you're eighteen. Because the Corolla you're going to get isn't doing you any favours. Ever.
B: Guys will promote you to genius status. 
The best pizza and nachos can be made in the same kitchen that your mother made bangers and mash that you hated. You need an oven, some sort of bean based salsa, and small pieces of bacon. Layer of nachos, layer of cheese, layer of salsa, sprinkle the bacon. Repeat until you need a bigger pan. And don't use a microwave, or the chips will go soggy.
Now. Just in case there are any numptys reading this: I know there's a Domino's down the road, and if you have no sense of taste whatsoever this may be an attractive alternative. But it isn't.
Scenario two: You're nineteen, mates are inbound for football watching and beer consumption. Buy the cheap chips, good salsa, and steal the rest from the fridge. Call mate no. 1 and 2 and state the following:
"I've made awesome nachos, you bring the beer."
Your cost: $5. Your mate's cost $15. Paying off your car before him: Priceless.
C: Marriage.
Remember: It's for the lady first, the ladies second, and third, for you.
The wife gets home late one night, and you've prepared a feast. She's stoked, she'll probably do the dishes out of gratitude, and she can't tell you that you 'never cook' for at least a week. I could tell you about the sliding scale of how much mess you made compared to how thankful she is, but there are some things you should learn for yourself.
The ladies.
By now, you should have figured out that girls talk. The exact nature of their talk in regards to you will can be divided into either positive or negative.
Positive talk is a wonderful thing. If your wife's friends are talking positively about you, your wife will be thinking positive thoughts about you.
Married brethren, think about that for a minute.


Mmm.
This is a serious boon for you. Potentially life altering. Positively sex life altering. (I figure the young ones have stopped reading by now...)
There's an easy way to do this. My wife is a school teacher. When her school has a morning tea for the teachers, I produce a baked cheesecake.
And the whole staff goes freaking nuts over it.
They talk about it for months. Seriously.
They absolutely do not talk about how you're a slob, you leave clothes on the floor, spend too much money on bikes/motors/alcohol, fart in bed and hide empty glasses beside the couch.
It's all in your favour.
There's a fantastic rumour going around that baked cheesecakes are hard to make.
They're not. If you can follow instructions, you can make a baked cheesecake. Or a pavlova. Or a Black Forest Chocolate cake. You may have to buy a special pan, or extra wide tinfoil. But it's simple enough. Baking is an exact science: follow the instructions, and the awesome will follow.
The guys probably won't mention your baking. It's awkward. But the girls will talk. There will be envious citations. And then, in that beautiful moment, your wife will actually brag about you. Just to join in.
Finally, learn to cook for you.
The male mind when hungry is almost completely occupied by thoughts of food.
Hunger in the average female's mind, however, is trapped somewhere between Tiffany's breakup, her hair, that sale on this weekend, the work that's due tomorrow, the women with the purple scarf who was very rude and how she can't stand wherever you left your work boots AGAIN.
So. If you want to eat, you'd best learn to cook, or you may starve to death.

So learn to cook for you: For if a man has prepared the meal, he will never, ever have to sit down to a legume salad for dinner.


PS. Someone from Cambodia read my blog this week... May I ask who?